And like any nightmare it was over when I woke up.
I know that I have hinted about it on here, and frankly I hate it when people do that. They try and make themselves important by letting on to some tragic past event.
For the record that isn’t what I was doing. At least not consciously. In fact whenever somebody is trying to let something like that drop and then they have pretend like they weren’t my skin just crawls. Not because I feel like I am better than them, or I look down on them, but because I know that it is connected to a deeper problem.
My childhood was fraught with unpleasant experiences. That while I was able to overcome left me in a pretty dark place as I formed into an adult. I delved into my school work, and then in college into completing my engineering degree (I’m a civil engineer in my day-to-day). But there was something, wrong, it is called feeling inadequate, and trust me I had plenty of it.
These feelings of inadequacy were strong during that time and I fought with a lot of inner daemons. I fought to git sober after I went wild for a spell and I fought to accept myself.
Then I fought with the thought that nobody wanted me until I found this amazing guy, he said that he loved me and knew that out of everything in the world, that all he needed was to be loved by me.
We were star struck lovers. At least that is what I thought.
To prove how much he loved me he wanted to throw a wedding with all of the bells and whistles. I said that all I needed was a small private wedding.
He was a traditionalist. That is a nice way of saying that he was backwards.
Had he really been the “one,” scare quotes included for the scary effect of course, he would have stopped and listened. Instead I was being stupid, missing out on all of the fun. And a lot of fun it was. I should include a not here, but the truth was, it was fun. I let loose and I let myself forget that he wasn’t the right one. He loved me and that is what I focused on. I didn’t need to hear how I wasn’t accepted by my family, both immediate and extended, he wanted me and he wanted to tell the whole world. At least that is what he told me.
We did it all, the engagement party, I had a cute bridal shower with fancy invitations that looked something like this. We spent the afternoon playing silly games that made me laugh and opening gifts that made my mother and her sister gag. I ate delicious cake, finger foods, and drank an assortment of different tea. At the rehearsal dinner my father got drunk and he and my step-brother got into a fist fight at my in-law’s home. I internalized everything and hated myself.
This was helped by my mother’s godding, telling me that it was my fault for picking somebody so well off.
As you might have noticed his family is immensely rich (he was the youngest of five children), and in comparison my family looked like poor hillbillies. Which to be fair they are.
Their wealth was something that I got to hear about again and again.
It was either “he’s too good for you,” or “they flaunt their money.” Both translate into “we feel inferior around them and so should you.” I will be honest my mother and father-in-law are amazing people. Not once did they let their money interferer with how they treated people. His father (my ex) built himself up from nothing. He was hardworking and made his money honestly, his wife was better off but she was a saint and tried to help people that were in need.
As the wedding got closer I should have seen the warning signs, but I didn’t. I was in love and unfortunately in most cases it needs glasses.
He crossed boundaries that wouldn’t have been crossed if he really loved me. He continued to force the issue that I should get pregnant in the first year and other such oddities that would have made a normal person back out of the union.
Once we had been married for a couple of months he wanted to start, to try and have kids, I said no. It was the first concrete no I think I had said up until that point. The badgering didn’t stop. And the longer it went on I began to realize that it was about him, not about us, not about children and starting a family.
He was a good deal younger than his siblings. They were all established, they had children, one of his nieces was even getting ready to go off to college.
That should give you an idea of the type of head start they had.
Why the rush?
I asked him that when he would bring it up. Once in a fit of anger he told me.
He wanted his share of the inheritance, if he had stayed single and childless he wouldn’t get as much. I must add that this was his logic.
Unlike two of his siblings he didn’t continue in his father’s footsteps. He could forget about the family business. Without kids he wouldn’t get what was coming to him. What was rightfully his.
When he decided to sabotage the trust that wasn’t there I said enough.
The divorce wasn’t messy, I just wanted out. His mother, such a sweetheart helped me organize a new home, she made sure that her son didn’t make a further mess of things. We maintained contact for years afterwards, but I would be lying if I said that the contact didn’t slow and is now sporadic. She has a lot to do to take care of her husband and she isn’t the youngest anymore.
My ex started drinking, though I should say increased his alcohol consumption, he always could hold his own.
He remarried and has a small child, a girl, which was what he wanted when we were married. Maybe he will get what he is looking for someday.
As for me.
When I untied the knot I freed myself from other bonds as well. The contact that I have with my family is even more sporadic than with my ex-mother-in-law. And that is fine by me.